Crossroads of Self Destruction
by Reno Keehl
Summary: First person told by Tamaki. Graduation is approaching Tamaki and the other seniors, and Tamaki is begining to comtemplate a life without Kyouya. Includes all the angst and melancholy that comes with changes in life, and reveals a new side of Tamaki.
1. Alone In the Host Club

Crossroads of Self-Destruction I-Alone in the Host Club

Kyouya has always been watching over me and guiding me. I feel like I am invincible when he is by my side. He is the wall that keeps me standing, but I fear that he will disappear one day and leave me behind… I fear that I will fall back into the insecurity and loneliness that he rescued me from that day some years ago. It seems like a life time had passed since then.

As we are nearing our graduation day, I am starting to panic. I am starting to cower. There stands the possibility of us losing connection… Of him finding another object for his affection. What if we go our separate ways? He might gradually forget me and replace me. Should he ever stop caring for me, what will I do then? I have not ever thought about a life without Kyouya at my side, and now that it has occurred to me that it might one day happen…I'm deathly afraid.

So it seems…our days at Ouran together in the Host Department are quickly coming to an end. My mind has been preoccupied for days now, I hope he does not notice, but he always notices. I cannot talk without choking, and I cannot listen without spacing out. This self-destructive mess sitting in this French style chair gazing blankly out the window is Ouran's king. Ha, pathetic.

As I hold my head in my hands, I can feel the emptiness return to my heart, and the tears just won't stop rushing to my eyes! Oh, Kyouya, if only you knew how happy you have made me all these years… But what good will that do us now? Time seems to be accelerating as my sadness grows. With time so limited on our hands, it would only hurt us both if he were to know now how I feel. But still, I cannot help but to hold on to these last few days of high school. These last few days of the kingdom of our youth will surely be the most painful memory I will ever endure. The counting down of my destruction begins…


	2. In The Empty Hall Ways

Crossroads of Self-Destruction II-In the Empty Hall Ways

Night came and passed, but I still cannot get the notion of being left alone out of my head. Morning… Today is a dreadful morning for it brought no relief to me but only intensified my fear by a little. Each morning marked the passing of yet another day, therefore shortening my time with him. I am starting to despise the transition from night to day because I knew that with every morning that came, the deadline comes closer and I fall apart a little more.

Heavily dragging myself out of bed, I went to take a shower. The water did not seem to wash away my worries at all, for as the hot water burned my skin, I could only stand there and space out, staring at the cold marble wall opposing me. I let the water burn my pale skin because I find the scorching pain somewhat comforting. Yes, if it could cook myself alive, I would be happy with that. If it so conveniently happened, I would no longer have to be devastated at the thought of leaving Kyouya. Compared to the pain in my soul at the thought of our parting ways, my burning skin is nothing at all.

I cannot remember since when dressing for school became such a painful process, but I found it particularly depressing this morning when I pulled on the light lavender colour uniform blazer. I realize that in a few days, we will never be wearing the same uniform again, and the memories that we shared in that lavender uniform will only relive in my heart… The OR monogram crest will be a symbol of the past as we step forward and advance, going wherever life might lead us.

I gazed at myself in that uniform for a long moment before I pound my fist into the mirror and fell weakly to my knees. I do not want to look at that symbol any longer. It reminds me of all the good time we spent together at the host club. It reminds me that those good times are about to leave, never to return. I do not want to remember that… I do not want to remember his face, but every time I close my eyes there it is. Kyouya, if you only knew that I am constantly thinking of you… But what good will that do us now? That discovery will only confuse us both, and I want nothing less than to become a burden to him. I'd much rather carry this pain alone and die that way than tell him only to trouble him.

Trouble, ha. That was all I have been to him these pass years, I know. He had saved my neck during countless occasions, and all I am able to do in return is cause him more trouble. I know I cause unnecessary drama in his life, and I really do not want to be holding him back from anything… But playing the martyr is so lonely. And now I know.

The halls are strangely deserted this morning. Good. There is nothing I want to say to anyone, and there was no one that I really wanted to see, save for Kyouya, but then again, I will see him tonight at his house… I hope that I do not say too much. He must have realized by now my change in behavior, and he probably only invited me over to interrogate me. What should I tell him? I cannot be so selfish to him… If I told him what was truly on my mind, he would only be bothered by the petty details. The truth was I really do want him to know how I feel, but the timing is so horrible. We have less than a week left to graduation. Should we never cross paths again, and I pray to god that we do, it would only hurt him if he returned those… Haha… I _am_ stupid. Of course he doesn't return those feelings! Why would he? I am a guy, and I know that he seem to have feelings for Haruhi… I wonder if he is desperately trying to hold on to her as I am to him. No, even if he was, he would never let it be known. That's not his style.

Unlike me, he has always been very cool about everything, regardless of how horrible it might make him feel inside. Me? I cannot help but let my concerns become a public affair. I am just that weak. It is revolting really how weak I am. I cannot handle things on my own, and I always make the wrong decision. If Kyouya was not there for me… If he was not there for me, I wonder if I would even be here today.

The more I think about it, the more I am growing to hate myself. Me, the egotistical king of Ouran High School hating himself… If the world only knew how I truly feel every time I proclaimed my greatness… If they only knew how very ugly I could be… I do not think that they would ever find me attractive. But Kyouya knew, and Kyouya has not rejected me quite yet. My flaws are actually what he likes about me, and he was the first person who has ever allowed me to just be myself. It was because I met him that I was finally able to accept myself as flawed and inadequate. Now, all those years of confidence are quickly crumbling down, and I feel more insecure than ever.

Please God, don't take away my only light. Don't banish me into the darkness again. As worthless as I am on my own, I want to be given the chance to live… But if anyone should take Kyouya away from me, by what means should I keep living? I wonder.


	3. By the Kotatsu

Crossroads of Self-Destruction III-By the Kotatsu

Crossroads of Self-Destruction III-By the Kotatsu

After school, I went back to Kyouya's house with him. During the whole ride back I could not bare to say a word to him. I was afraid that should I open my mouth, all my feelings, all of my wretched feelings for him might be let known. If they should slip pass my lips, I do not know what I would then do. I have never planned to let him know.

He occasionally turns and smiles gently at me though, and tries to start a casual conversation. It must be very awkward for him because I have probably never been this quiet around him before. I was always me who was trying stupidly to start up a comfortable conversation, not that he is doing it stupidly… I image he is trying very hard to keep the air in the car breathable for the both of us.

When we arrived at his house, he led the way up to his room. We were not stopped and interviewed by anyone for nobody was home. In his room, he sat down on his bed and motioned for me to come over and sit by him. However, I declined and asked if we could sit by the kotatsu instead. He glanced up at me with a funny look. He then asked me why I wanted to sit by the kotatsu during this time of year. It was almost summer.

I told him that it would mean the world to me if we did, and without further question, he stood up from the bed and we both walked over to the kotatsu and sat down. I leaned onto the cherry surface and closed my eyes. At this moment, my heart is racing so rapidly, I fear that he might hear its echo in the room and advert all of his attentions to me. What would I do then? I have no alibi prepared.

I opened my eyes to find that he was laying his head on the table top as I was. He had taken off his glasses and he was holding them gently in his hand. His sparkling black eyes were gazing back at me and I blushed. I feel this...strange inappropriate urge to--

"Tamaki, what were you thinking about just now? You do not usually think, so it is quite obvious when you do." Kyouya noted straight-forwardly, as he always does.

I instantly sat up straight and donned a stupid grin and started laughing loudly and obnoxiously. As I did all these things, I began to wonder what I was trying to accomplish by doing so. If it was obvious to him that I was troubled, of course he was going to know that I was purposely trying to divert his attention. And as it was so obvious, he quickly caught my true motives with a frown.

"How long have we been friends now? Three years? Four years? Either way, it has been long enough for you to trust me, I hope? It has certainly been long enough for me to trust you. Why do you keep insisting on trying to mask your feelings from me? You know that I know you enough to decipher them. Just come out with it already." Kyouya sighed and shook his head. "Actually… That was the reason why I invited you over tonight."

At that statement, my heart began to pound even more violently than usual. It felt as if it was going to explode within my chest and I could feel it pulsating rampantly in my neck and I could barely breathe. I clutched at my pants and stared at my hands. Within a few of his words, my cover will be completely blown. All of the feelings I have been bottling up on my own all this time… All of the fear and anger and hatred that have been tormenting me… All of this confusion… They will all be released at once and directed towards him.

Then I begin to worry what he might think of me then. If he were to see all the grotesque colours that makes me and discover that just beneath my dumbfounded smile there was a revolting world of bitterness and jealousy, would he still acknowledge me? If he found out how I really fe--

"You have been deeply troubled lately, haven't you, Ochi-sama?" Kyouya asked and I looked up at him, eyes wide and defenseless. I attempted to shake my head and deny his claim, but I knew him better, and I knew that he would proceed with his accusations which would all in turn be correct and that it would all be a waste of effort on my part. It would be a waste of stupid, needless effort.

"I… have been thinking, Kyouya." I started to speak then shifted my glance aside from him. "After graduation…Everything is going to change, right? You and I…we are all moving forward in life, aren't we? But… Does that mean that we're going to…?"

"Drift apart?" Kyouya asked, his black eyes softening in the sunset streaming through the window. He appeared to be how should I say…sad? I did not think it was possible for him to appear to be anything, but it is true. Here in his room on this fine late spring evening, I swear I can barely peak through that cool visage of his. In those softening black eyes I saw definite emotion for the first time.

I watched as he propped an elbow up on the kotatsu top and leaned his ivory coloured cheek against it. "I have feared that, actually. Because you and I, Tamaki, we are very different. I have to keep up and go with through medical school as my parents wishes, but as for you… You are free to do as you want, are you not? You are lucky you are tied down like I am…"

"That's not the point!" I retorted as I stood. "The point is that I might never see you again! Have you heard from Hunny-sempai and Mori-sempai at all since they graduated? It is different for them though, Kyouya! Their families are tied! They are practically married by birth! We are not like that… Our families have a measly business relationship! That's it… You and I…we are not connected at all, are we? There is nothing holding us together but this stupid monogram!" I shouted, pointing to the crest on my coat.

As I let my tongue slip once again, I could not help but to helplessly let a few tears escape my eyes. The spell…it is losing its effect just as Kaoru once predicted years back. Our close knit family will collapse even further now, and after this school year ends, it will be broken completely, but I do not want for us to be broken yet… I do not want to die off like this just yet.

His shining dark eyes flashed and his black brows furrowed as he stood up to face me. Grasping me by the collar of my shirt, he pulled me closer and yelled, "Is that what you think? All of this… All of these years? Our friendship was just a business relation? That us being classmates are the only thing keeping us together? Are you really that naïve, Tamaki?"

My eyes grew wide as I gaze into his. I have never seen him this angry before. This reminds me of the first time we met. The kotatsu… His temper… everything just seem like home to me. It feels like home… With outstretched arms, I advanced forward and embraced him, not knowing what I was thinking or whether I was thinking at all.

"Kyouya- I'm--"Before I was able to apologize to him for having said too much, Kyouya spoke.

"To be in love with you, Tamaki, and to know where I stand in your life… It is all very painful, and I can't stand it!" Kyouya shouted, pushing me away. "I do not want to lose you! If I lose you, I will fall back! I will fall back into that lonely empty living room… To the time the kotatsu was the only source of warmth for my heart."

Me too, Kyouya. If I was not too dumbstruck to tell you that I returned you feelings, I would tell you that the warmest feeling in the world was when I shared the kotatsu with you that one night when we first met. I reached out and grasped both of his hands with mine, and hoped that the warmth in my hands could reach his heart again.


	4. With You In the Bath

This is the first chapter in the alternative happy ending, so yeah... If you want the more depressing ending, don't read this...Or read it anyway. It doesn't really matter. Tamaki is a pervert.

* * *

Crossroads of Self-Destruction IV-With You in the Bath

After dinner, Kyouya suggested that I wash up before we retired for the night. With my heart feeling much lighter now, I nodded and headed off just as he told me to. Stepping into his Japanese style bathroom, I began to discard my clothes. It was a nice change from my cold marble walls back home. I will no longer need to scorch my delicate skin with that hell water anymore. The air in here smells just like Kyouya, and it made me smile.

It is nice to think about how he comes in here everyday. The image of him discarding his clothes while he walks into the bathroom is overwhelming my head as I run the water and step into the bathtub. Sitting in this green tea scented steam alone, my mind cannot help but wonder what kinds of things Kyouya does in here. Does he wash his hair first or does he scrub his body first? Why is it that the image of his naked body gets my body to respond this way? It's throbbing so painfully…

Have I ever thought this way about him before? No…maybe…sometimes…yes. But that does not justify me fantasizing! He loves me too, now I know, so I should be happy already, right? My heart does not hurt as much anymore. There is still the fear of losing him, but at least now I am requited. Oh, but he doesn't know that I love him! It had just occurred to me that earlier, I was too dumbstruck to say anything in reply. All I did was stand there stupidly.

Poor Kyouya must have felt very awkward and guilty… I have felt that way since I first left the school with him this afternoon. I want to tell him so badly, but every time I look at him, my heart starts to race, and I feel like I might just die! The truth is I did not want the Ouran crest to be the only thing uniting us. I have dreamt about it before, however horrible that might sound, of us becoming connected. Perhaps I am just as naïve as he told me, but I somehow have the bizarre notion that if we physically get connected we will become somehow unbreakable. That is how Kaoru and Hikaru made it seem. Though they are blood related in the first place, they defy the laws of morality and connected… Perhaps it is just a thing between twins, but they never break apart. Sometimes I get the suspicion that Hunny and Mori-sempai had connected, too… They are unbreakable, still.

Closing my eyes, I let the steam and the warm water overcome me, letting my body float slightly. I was starting to lose myself in the serenity when I heard a soft rustling sound before I opened my eyes to find Kyouya dropping his bathrobe in front of the tub.

"Ky-Kyouya! Wh-what are you doing in here?" I stuttered like the idiot that I am. It is not that I do not like it…I mean… It is just sudden! I was not expecting this at all! Looking at him just standing there before me… What if he sees that I am already aroused? No… I must act casual! Maybe if I confess to him my side of the story, he might… No! Tamaki, do not be a pervert! But it is so hard to help myself… he is so beautiful and perfect…and I only fear that I might not be good enough for him.

Taking off his wire framed glasses, he carefully cradled them in his elegant porcelain coloured hand before setting it on the wooden railings of the bathtub with the utmost caution. Without a word, he gracefully stepped into the bathtub and slid over so that he was sitting adjacent to me. He gazed over at me with his piercing black eyes as if he could see into my soul, and I feared that he would see all the dirty things I am thinking right now. Immediately, I brought my legs up as close to my chest as possible, hoping to hide my excitement.

"Tamaki… I wanted to apologize for making things so awkward for you earlier. I should have known better than to say whatever I want. I suppose instinct got the best of me… What I mean to say is that I am sorry, and hope that you could still think of me as your friend."

"No." I started to say without being given time to think. I looked up at him to find his cool black eyes looking distressfully back at me. "I mean…" I took a deep breath before continuing. "What I meant to say is that I can't think of you as a friend."

"What?" Kyouya asked, exasperated.

"You didn't let me finish!" I snapped instinctively. "I can't think of you as a friend because I am in love with _you_, Kyouya! I thought you would realize this by now with your all seeing eyes! Why did you have to make me spell it out for you?" I confessed then buried my face with my hands. I am so embarrassed right now. I could die blushing.

A crooked smile crept across his lips and soon he began to laugh wholeheartedly. "I was so scared," he chuckled, "For a moment there, I thought you were going to reject me completely. If you did that, I would not know what to do with myself." He said, laughing until tears formed in his eyes and he began to cry. It was the first time I have ever seen him like this, so true to himself, so full of life. I cannot help but smile at his honest display of feelings.

When I get the chance to see Kyouya laugh or cry, it reminds me of how very honoured I am to be given that privilege. Whether he laughs or cries, it does not matter. The important thing was that he was comfortable enough around me to let his guard down that much. To know that he was willing to show his human side to me was more than enough to make me, fake, inadequate me feel special.


	5. Desire In YOur Eyes

Crossroads of Self-Destruction V- Desire In [Y]Our Eyes

The sky outside Kyouya's bedroom windows was painted in deep shades of purple when we finally emerged from the bathroom. After showing me the beautifully honest side of him, I think Kyouya got slightly embarrassed for we remained perfectly quiet for the rest of our time in the bathtub together.

What if he noticed after all? Maybe he saw how excited I was to see his body naked and wet…and covered in aromatic steam… Kyouya's body… No! He probably did not see anything, did he?

I cannot help but worry a little that he did notice. It is quite embarrassing to admit, but I find that Kyouya is extremely attractive in every aspect of the word, and I was happy to be able to see his body again in all of its unclothed glory. God, I sound like such a hopeless pervert, I know, but I wonder what he thinks about me…if he thinks about me at all. The possibility made me blush. For some reason, I never even imagined Kyouya to be capable of having such thoughts.

Sitting down on the edge of his bed, Kyouya longingly gazed into the darkness outside the glass. With a towel slung carelessly over his head and his glasses delicately cradled in his left hand, he sat there silently, as if meaning to occupy his mind. What kind of thoughts are racing through that beautiful, ingenious space right now? The possibility of me occupying his thoughts made my heart race and I stared on. I admired the sight from afar for a few moments, but the sadness reflecting from the black pearls he called "eyes" caused my heart to waver, and I slowly approached him.

Taking a seat next to him on the edge of the bed, I gently laid a hand on his thigh. He in turn turned his attention towards me, and that altogether made me very happy. That porcelain skin…those piercing black eyes…those delicate lips… I want to kiss him so bad. Kiss? No! Wait…yes! But… isn't that out of the question? I mean, just because the feeling is mutual now doesn't mean I can just go and make out with my best friend, right? Still, every time he looks at me with those eyes, I want to just throw myself at him and force him to be mine forever. God, Tamaki. This is what we call a potential rapist, but…it would not be rape if he liked it, right? What am I saying?! Wrong! A thousand times wrong!

His head tilted slightly in confusion, and he looked at me with dissecting eyes. I swallowed nervously before uttering, "Um...Kyouya?"

He looks on at me with his blank stare and simply asks, "What is it?"

Now my heart is fluttering rapidly. My breath is faltering and I wish I could just fall over dead. I feel as though I could from all this embarrassment. As I struggled to roll my thoughts off my tongue, I began to twiddle my thumbs dumbly, glancing away from his intense eyes.

They were so sharp, I feel as though he could see right through me. I feel as though he could see pass my questions and into my deepest thoughts. If he did, I wonder what he would think. Would he find me disgusting to harbour such fantasies about him, my own best friend? Or would he want to make those fantasies into reality with me? Or....would he be indifferent? Oh god, anything but that! I think if he were to simply not care, I would die on the spot.

With my fists now clenched together, I braced myself, summoning just the right amount of courage required to pose my question. "Is it..." As I stumbled on my words, I could feel myself turning colours. God, this is so embarrassing! I swallowed my pride, or fear, rather and went on. "Is it okay if I kiss you?" I finally spat, bracing myself again as if anticipating some brute impact upon my skin.

My violet eyes had snapped shut whilst the panic, and as I felt no violent throe against me, I slowly allow my eyes to open. There I found his face brought directly before mine, and with my pulse screaming rapidly within my neck, I stared into his deep eyes. I could see my own fears melting away in the reflection of his shining black eyes, and as he slowly gathered me into his arms, my eyes fluttered shut. His lips met mine and I could feel my blood rushing to my face as he gently laid me onto my back. With shy reluctance, I brought my arms up to cradle his smooth back, and with the same gentleness that he held his glass, Kyouya held me whilst our exchange of breathes.

In a moment, I feel as though all of my deepest feelings towards him were conveyed. Opening my eyes, I found his beautiful porcelain face hovering over me, his eyes diverted. As I looked at him for a moment longer, I saw hints of pink glowing on his cool cheeks, and I could not help but smile.

Kyouya caught me smiling and narrowed his eyes, only to have his face glow brighter. Never in a million years would I think that Kyouya Ootori would blush, or know how to blush for the matter. With my arms, I drew him down upon me again, and kissed his lips lightly. "What are you blushing about?" I laughed, almost forgetting my avant-kiss jitters. "I didn't even know the Great AB Devil Lord was even capable of blushing."

Kyouya glared, and I immediately apologized. Letting out a sigh, his features softened, and he held me tightly. His breath was shaking as he spoke, "Hey, 'Tosan..."

Half worried, and slightly amused, I replied, "Yes, 'Kasan?"

"Our daughter is not here, so what do you say to some time alone?" Kyouya asked, suddenly a hint of suggestiveness in his voice.

"B-but, we are alone," I replied, stuttering dumbly.

"You know what I mean..." He answered, and before I could speak again, my lips were sealed with his, and he drew a soft moan from my throat; my wordless consent.

My eyes, unsuspecting as they were, remained open for a short moment before they fluttered close; I allowed myself to be swept from sense. How in the world did we fall into this? Now as he drew back, my amethyst gaze met those shining, black pearls, and I immediately recognized that glint in his eyes. They were the same as mine: the desire to become one with Kyouya, just as he desires to become one with me.


End file.
